P-p-p-poker Face, P-p-poker Face

Last night, I got together with three of my best friends Britnee, Leigh, and Lindsay for a friendly game of poker. Now if you know me at all, you’re probably assuming that I don’t know the first thing about playing poker. And, you’d be … right.

I was clueless, people. Like really clueless. But I have emerged from last night a stronger, wiser, poker player. So, I present to you a list of the things I learned during my first foray into the gambling world:

1.    The chips represent arbitrary amounts that you and your group decide on. Okay, let’s see if I can explain this (correctly). When you get ready to play the game, you first gather everyone’s money (a.k.a. their “buy-in”) and set it off to the side. Now, you know the pretty chips that everyone has set up in front of them? Well, before the game starts, you just give them an agreed-upon amount. My entire life, I thought that those chips represented actual dollars and cents and whenever the game ended, you got your percentage of the pot. Nope. Winner takes all. Kinda blows, huh? Since our buy-in was $10, there was a 25% chance I’d walk away with thirty extra dollars and a 75% chance I’d be out $10.  

2.    A poker face is imperative. You have to be able to bluff. You just do, it’s part of the game. And I couldn’t bluff. For squat. At the beginning of the game, I had this amazing streak of beginner’s luck. I was clueless and yet I was getting all these great hands (including, but not limited to, TWO full houses, back to back). And as I got all these great hands, I was smirking. Well, Britnee said I was smirking. In all actuality, I was beaming like an idiot. Anywho, once I started to lose / get dealt crappy hands, my entire demeanor changed. I was just this sad, emo kid looking at my cards listlessly. And my beautiful stacks of chips were disappearing. Fast. It was soo sad.

3.    My knowledge of poker is / was deplorable. I can’t say it enough. Right when the game started, I confessed to my friends that about 67% of all that I know about poker comes from “The Parent Trap.” Yes, I’m talking about the 1998 Lindsay Lohan Disney movie. 24 percent comes from this one episode of Friends where the boys agree to let the girls play with them, even though they have no idea what they’re doing. (The other 9% comes from me Googling “poker for dummies” at work the day before and using my phone for a reference on what the different hands are.) None of these helped me last night.

If you’re curious as to what specific scene, I’m talking about from “The Parent Trap,” check this little YouTube gem out:

4.    Do not celebrate until you’re sure you’ve won. So, during this one hand, there’s tons of chips in play and I was feeling really confident. If I remember correctly, I had a full house (3 queens and 2 kings, I think). I was in the perfect position to redeem myself and win back some chips. I totally thought I had it in the bag. Britnee had folded and it was just me, Leigh, and Lindsay. Leigh showed her cards and they weren’t a full house. I proudly displayed my cards, calmly stating, “I have a full house.” I began pulling (what I believed to be) my winnings toward me. Then, Lindsay, who’s sitting to my right quietly, but repeatedly, asks me what my high card in my full house is. Proudly, I say, “king.” Then, I look over and see that her high card is an ace. Aces are high, which means I lost. You should have heard the expletives and seen the slamming of cards and chips. It was awful. I was depressed. And pissed at myself for prematurely celebrating.

5.    The house always wins. After four hours, 2/3 of a 6-inch Subway sandwich (tuna, if you’re curious), and four Shiner Light Blondes, I emerged a loser. Ugh. And Leigh (who hosted the poker night) won. Won the whole pot. She’s $30 richer. If we ever do this again, we’re doing it at my house. For sure.