"Don't Talk About It, Be About It."

Intrinsically, I feel like I am a good friend. Dependable. Good listener. Full of comic relief and silver linings.

But, I also know that I’m not perfect. Among many things, I hate confrontation. It is one of the hardest things to do with someone you love and care about, in my opinion. I usually cannot summon the nerve to look someone in the eye and tell them exactly how I feel.

It makes my tummy feel weird. It makes me lose my appetite. It makes me perspire.

And, to avoid confrontation or un-fun situations, I’ll lie (via commission or omission) to soften the blow.

And boy, does that cause its share of complications and messiness. Definitely lost a few friendships after the dust settled.

But, here’s something else I know. Forgiveness is tough. It takes time. It doesn’t come without discomfort. (Cue the weird tummy feelings and the sweating.) But it is doable, with one contingency. Both parties cannot just say they forgive. The members of the duo have to actively go out and work on their relationship. They have to work the relationship back into a good place.

In short, “don’t talk about it, be about it.”

On the list of things I don’t care for, surprises rank near confrontation. I don’t do well with the unexpected. So imagine how I felt when an ex-friend of mine called me to tell me that she “forgave me.” She let me know that she has decided to “let go of all of the hurt and pain” she felt because of me. Gee thanks.

I stammered and stuttered throughout the brief phone call saying things like “umm, well, I, uh, appreciate that.” I also asked, “so does that mean that we are, like, friends again?” Her answer? An abrupt, “no, I don’t think we can be.” Gee thanks, again.

I thought long and hard about why someone would call an individual tell them that they forgive them, but not want to pursue any sort of relationship. There are obvious religious undertones there. Forgiveness, loving thy neighbor, all that jazz.

But, ultimately, I think, it helps the caller feel better. It makes their heart a little lighter. It allows them to regain some control and some presence in your life.

And, I think that is a teensy bit, dare I say it – selfish. Here’s why.

I never advocated for a termination of the friendship. I boldly and optimistically believed that we could be friends even in the face of our tribulations. But she didn’t. She presented me with (what I believed to be) an ultimatum. And, I believe that because I didn’t choose her preference, she chose to walk away, leaving me to do the best with what I have.

The selfishness comes into plan when she reenters my life out of the blue to let me know how she felt, which is whatever. But she did not leave a lot of wiggle room for me to respond or counter. And, I know she did so because it made her feel good. But, it threw me for an unexpected curve. If I’m being blunt, I don’t think you get to waltz into my life, at your discretion, tell me you forgive me (for something that I don’t think was that bad), remind me of your hurt and pain (that I caused), and leave. It’s just not cool and not fair.

True forgiveness is an action. It involves not just saying something, but doing something. I could say I forgive lots of people who have wronged me but, unless I’m making moves toward remedying that bond, what’s the point?

Remember people, forgiveness is something you do, not something you say.

Forgive if you want. Hold on to your anger if you want. It's your call.

But don’t just talk about it. Be about it.