The Long Facebook Message

In a Season 2 episode of Friends, Rachel finds out that Ross made a list of the pros and cons of dating her. When she discovers the list, she says the following:

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons NOT to be with you?

A comparable situation happened to me a couple months ago. I had a strained friendship, one I thought was completely done. Then, that friendship resurfaces and tries to resurrect itself. But (there's always a but), I come to learn something so offensive, so cruel, that I know I have to end the friendship forever.

So that's what I'm doing. Via a Facebook message. I'd end it face-to-face, but the ex-friend is a little hard to get a hold of. I'd send an email, but I'm particularly keen on the fact that Facebook will tell me when it's been read.

Here's the very lengthy, but very interesting Facebook message, with her name withheld. Because I figure that's the least I can do.

[Name Withheld], 

 I hope this message finds you at a time when you can really read it and absorb what it is I am trying to say. Please know that I would have liked to say these things to you face-to-face but it seems that you've been a little busy over the past couple months. 

 Let me start off by reminding you of the timeline of our friendship over the past year: 
- February 2012 – You make the decision to end our friendship based on what you believe to be an unforgivable friend move – the infamous lie about K and I’s friendship.
- October 2012 – I receive an intoxicated phone call from you and B letting me know that the two of you had a sober conversation about me and have concluded that you would like to bury the hatchet. 
- November 2012 – The three of us hang out in an attempt to undo the past months of lost / strained friendship
- February 2013 – I get a text from you letting me know that you think that we ought to hang out, seeing as we are both San Antonians and all. 
- February 2013 – I try TWICE to make plans with you to hang out but am met with excuses or no response at all. 
- February 2013 (February was a big month) – I have dinner and drinks with someone and hear that you, someone I once considered to be a best friend, has said some of the most hurtful, unbelievable, mean-spirited and cruel things I have ever heard about myself. 

Are you wondering what I've heard? I’ll cut to the chase. I heard that you, at some point, said I: a) grew up poor, b) wanted to know what it feels like to be rich (and white), and c) befriended K because of these things. 

While I sincerely want to believe that no one I have ever called a friend would say these things, these lies about me, my instincts tell me these phrases were actually uttered by you. And in my eyes, THIS is an unforgivable friend move. 

To say those things about ANYONE is terrible. It’s just plain horrible. But to say them about someone you've called your “best friend,” is just wrong. It’s cruel and mean and completely uncalled for. I don’t care if it was said in the heat of the moment, or under the influence of alcohol, or to console a friend, it’s just wrong [Name Withheld]. You don’t do that to people. 

To say that I am poor is so trivial and so untrue. For the record, my parents hold college degrees. They raised me in a MIDDLE-CLASS household, without any government or familial assistance. EVER. By all intents and purposes, John and Joyce are badasses, awesome parents and I am so lucky to have had them raise me. I bring this up not to tout my fantastic upbringing, but to let you know how terrible it is that you would try to place a false socio-economic status on these amazing individuals. 

But then, to say that I have a desire to “feel” what it’s like to be “rich” is just ridiculous. First, why are “friends” even having conversations about finances? But, if we’re talking about money, let’s talk. I do fine. I pay all my bills. I live a good life. I never want for anything (knock on wood). I’m not sure what “rich” feels like, but between my bank account and my awesome friends and family, I feel pretty “rich.” 

Now, going beyond the evident untruths of these statements, I have to consider what kind of person would say these things. It is someone that is clearly cruel, mean-spirited, and hurts the ones they claim to care about. 

So what now? Well, in your voicemail from October you said it best: you only live one. YOLO. 

I have no time for someone that would say these things about me. And so [Name Withheld], I have no time for you in my life. I heard a quote a while back and it fits us perfectly: We’re not friends; we’re just strangers with memories. 

So I’ll end this here. Take care, [Name Withheld]. I hope that you find the same richness that my life is full of. 

 - Jonna 

P.S. As I said earlier, my instincts have told me that the assertion that you were behind the statements was true. If, by chance, this IS NOT the case, I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings. If I don’t hear from you, I will continue to believe my instincts.